It can be very difficult for someone who is experiencing domestic abuse to reach out to an expert support service or to the police. So if you find out that someone close to you is being abused, you could be the only person who knows.
As a friend or family member, it’s not your responsibility to stop the abuse. But you can do a lot to help by following a few simple steps.
How to help: what should you say?
Remember these four things to tell your friend.
“I’m sorry to hear that”
Show your friend that you believe her, and that you care. You might be shocked by the things you’ve been told, especially if you know the abuser. But remember, anyone can abuse or be abused, no matter how they seem on the face of it.
Why it’s important to say
Your friend is being bullied and hurt, so she probably feels low. You could be the first person she has ever told, and she might feel alone and scared. If you are caring, your friend knows that at least one person has got her back. Your positive response will support her to cope with the situation.
“Thank you for telling me”
Let your friend know that she’s made a brave and good decision to talk to someone. Don’t push for details unless your friend wants to tell you. Be trustworthy: reassure her that you won’t share information about the abuse with anyone else without her permission, unless it’s an emergency.
Why it’s important to say
There are many reasons why people experiencing abuse don’t feel able to talk about it. A big one is the fear of being judged or not believed. By reassuring your friend that she’s done the right thing, you will help reduce that fear, and build her confidence to ask for further help from others.
“It’s not your fault”
Be very clear: tell your friend that what is happening to her is wrong and that she is not to blame. Nothing that your friend has done or said makes it okay to be abused. If the abuser drinks or is on drugs, has stress, depression, or anger problems, or had a bad childhood, this does not justify their behaviour. Abuse is the responsibility of the abuser.
Why it’s important to say
Often, a person who is being abusive blames the victim or makes excuses, so your friend could fear what others think or blame herself. Her self-esteem is probably quite low as a result of abuse. By telling your friend that she has done nothing wrong, you will help to reduce her anxiety and also build her self-confidence to get further help.
“How can I help you?”
Ask your friend what they need. Let her know she can contact the local 24-hour domestic abuse helpline to talk about her situation and get free, confidential advice. Help her store the number somewhere safe: 0808 800 0340. Do not pressure her to leave. Try and be understanding if she’s not ready and let her know you will be there for her, whatever she decides.
Why it’s important to say
Your friend needs to know that help is available, but she might not be ready to take action. She may feel stressed, afraid, and exhausted. She might still love her partner or believe that they will change. If you pressure your friend to do anything she doesn’t want to then she will only feel worse, and might pull away from all support.
If she can be in control of her own decisions, she will be more likely to access help and make changes that last.
How to help: what next?
After your conversation, consider doing these things next.
- Be safe
- Be kind
- Be there
Be safe: it’s the no.1 priority
People who abuse can be dangerous, so think of safety first and don’t put yourself or your friend at risk. Try and talk to her face-to-face and in private. Remember that her social media, phone, and emails might be monitored. Don’t push your friend to do anything she is unsure of. Don’t ever confront the abuser. If you are in immediate danger, call 999.
Be kind: make suggestions, not demands
You could offer to ring the helpline to find out about support, or to go with your friend to talk to a doctor, solicitor or the police. You could offer a place to stay if needed, or keep an emergency bag. Suggest she uses your address for messages. Google ‘domestic abuse safety planning’ and offer to make a plan together.
Make sure these are suggestions, not orders. Your friend might not always listen and she may make decisions that you don’t think are in her best interest. This can be upsetting, but avoid criticising her and keep your door open.
Be there: whether they leave, or stay
It is not your job to convince your friend to leave the relationship. It might seem obvious, but leaving is never as simple as just walking away. It can take months or years, and it is common for people to leave but then go back several times. Be prepared for this, and don’t give up hope. Your friend is most likely to leave and not return if the decision is truly hers. In the meantime, keep in touch and be understanding.
Support for men
Find out about local advice and support for men at equation.org.uk/need-help
Further information
Supporting a friend through a difficult and emotional time can be challenging. Remember to look after yourself.
If you need further advice about how to support a friend experiencing domestic abuse, you can always call the free 24-hour local helpline: 0808 800 0340
The helpline is run by Women’s Aid Integrated Services. Find out more at wais.org.uk
The Women’s Aid online Survivors’ Handbook also contains practical information about every aspect of seeking support.